Lynn Anderson -- Mr. Mistletoe
File this one under a personal favorite Christmas song category: "Failed Attempts to Create a New Beloved Christmas Icon" (he's just "like Santa Claus" in that "we love him because/happiness is all/he's thinking of." Wait a minute. What?). Anderson even adds the seemingly extraneous detail that he's an elf, just to let Mr. Rankin and Mr. Bass know if they're looking to introduce this "Mr. Mistletoe" with a new stop-motion CBS Christmas special, they can save money by using one of the extras from Rudolph. And pass the savings on to you, the viewer.
So I guess this Mr. Mistletoe character runs all over the place spreading mistletoe, apparently "to give us all reason/to steal a kiss from someone that you know." Creepy. I hope Mr. Mistletoe also covers legal fees! Oh and also, he's invisible and giggles. In other words, Mr. Mistletoe is freaking me out.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
2 (out of 10) -- First of all, dude's an elf. That starts the X-Mas-Factor Supercomputer at a cap of 5 on the Annoyingness meter (it's just how it's built). Anderson's chim-chim-cheerie treacly singing style knocks it down 3 more points. She's like an insufferable kindergarten teacher (except, you know, for the insatiable appetite for kissing).
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
3 (out of 10) -- I can't imagine listening to this song and not wanting to grab Mr. Mistletoe by his Spock ears and kick him into next Christmas. But, the steel guitar's pretty good, so 3.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Mistletoe gets us to 5. Santa adds 2 points. One point demerit for elves. Equals 6.
Total Score: 3.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: A computer game that teaches you math.
Oh Mr. Mistletoe, you've done it again!