Prince -- Another Lonely Christmas
Imagine our hero, dressed only in his purple robe, staring drunkenly into the distance, tears falling quietly into banana daiquiri number nine (she hated that number!). Staggering to his feet, blinded by tears, daiquiri, and bittersweet memories of playing pokeno for money, he shakes his fists to the sky and bellows, "Damn you pneumonia (or perhaps strep, depending who is right, your mother or your father)! Damn you straight to ..." and then barfs and passes out.
Curtain thus falls upon lonely Christmas numero 8 for Prince.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
This patented system will tell you if this is a "A Charlie Brown Christmas" or a "Santa Clause 3," before you even hear it! Tell your friends.
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
10 (out of 10) -- A satisfyingly unannoying Christmas song, with nary a sleigh bell or elf in sight. If it weren't for the out-of-nowhere premature death of the song's subject and the similarly premature "mature" lyrics, this one could've been a Christmas classic. As it stands, the song lies buried on Disc 3 (you know, the one you left in your buddy's car in 1998) of Prince's Hits and B-Sides collection.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- This song pretty much rules. Put on repeat and try not to think of Prince skinny dipping in your father's pool (not cool, Prince. Not. Cool.).
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
2 (out of 10) -- Nothing says Christmas like daiquiris, pokeno, skinny dipping, and death from unidentified common childhood ailments! Man, does Prince even know what Christmas is?
At one point, however, his Purpleness does mention ogling the dearly departed's (tall?) little sister while she was out ice skating, so a couple points for that.
Total Score: 7.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: A Nintendo with Duck Hunt and Gun.
Of all your father's children (of aaallll your father's children, baby), you're the most ridiculous, Prince!
See you tomorrow!