Clarence Carter -- Back Door Santa
I presume that the name of this song is "Back Door Santa" because "Cuckold Claus" didn't have enough double in its entendre. The main conceit is that this Back Door Santa fellow has filthy filthy sex with other people's wives and girlfriends, apparently around dawn. He then goes into great detail listing the various precautions he takes to not get caught having filthy filthy sex with other people's wives and girlfriends. This crime is arguably mitigated by the fact that the other boys are also "out to play" at the same time, which I guess means that they are off having sex (filthiness assumed) with other people's wives and girlfriends. The upshot is that dawn in Clarence Carter's neighborhood is a little weird.
Back Door Santa, unlike his namesake, does not limit his activities to the 24th of December, but, like his namesake, he does give children hush money while he destroys their parents' marriages (hey-oh!). He also gives special thanks for chimneys. And something about smelling "a mouse" that I am pretty sure I don't want explained to me.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
10 (out of 10) -- This song has no jingle bells, elves, background singers, or background singers going "jingle jingle" while pretending to be elves. I'm not fresh on my catechism, but I'm pretty sure this absolves Clarence Carter from all moral culpability from his various piccadillos. I think. Either way, totally not annoying.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- This is easily the filthiest song to blast regularly from my parent's stereo. Or, at least, the filthiest song to blast regularly from my parent's stereo that I want to know about.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
1 (out of 10) -- Despite frequent mention of Santa, etc., in this song Christmas really just works as an extended metaphor for bonking other dudes' chicks.
Total Score: 7
Christmas Present Equivalent: A subscription to Sports Illustrated and football phone.
Merry Christmas, infidelity!