Bobby Helms -- Captain Santa Claus
Because nothing says "nativity" like space rockets, Martians, and Wookies, it's Space Week here at 25 Songs of Christmas. And I can't think of a better way to kick it off than this atomic age ditty by hit machine Bobby Helms (who is also famous for "Jingle Bell Rock" and also, um, well, "Jingle Bell Rock"). This song was actually the b-side for "Jingle Bell Rock," mostly to ensure that people would never have to turn the record over ever.
It sort of retells the story of Rudolph, but, instead of telling the story of a put-upon reindeer who encounters and defeats racism by being temporarily useful, it tells the story of how Santa's helpers built him a goddamn space ship. Also, for some reason, the ship is operated by his "Reindeer Space Patrol." With startling efficiency, Captain Santa Claus defeats Russia (I think) by not missing a single freedom loving chimney.
Perhaps overestimating the cultural impact of his stupid song about Santa having a goddamn space ship, Helms lets us know that "children dance with glee around the tree each time they're told/the tale of Captain Santa Claus and his reindeer space patrol!" So, I guess they danced around the tree with glee, um, maybe once?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- Good lord in heaven what was Bobby Helms thinking when (1) he imitated the sound of take-off by spitting into a microphone, (2) recorded those high-pitched, underwater-sounding "Oh noes!" and "Hoorays!" that punctuate the song, (3) decided the repeat the entire song only with a bunch of ladies singing, and (4) agreed to record a stupid song about Santa Claus flying around in a goddamn space ship.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
5 (out of 10) -- One can only shout "Hooray for Captain Santa Claus and his Reindeer Space Patrol!" so many times. iTunes tells me I'm at number 8.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
8 (out of 10) -- Plus points for ripping off another cherished holiday song, and talking about Santa, and chimneys, and stockings, and trees; minus points for elves, rocket ships, and other non-Christmas related nonsense. Super bonus points for inventing the idea of a Reindeer Space Patrol, which rules.
Total Score: 5.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: A pogo ball.