The Waitresses -- "Christmas Wrapping"
When rap music was invented (by WWII scientists, by the way. It's true -- look it up), I'm pretty sure this is what they had in mind: a tone-deaf white lady talking about a meet-cute with a dude she met at a ski shop while the two of them purchased last-minute cranberries. Just like how the Wu-Tang Clan first met!
Also, this song starts out with the most totally awesome-radical of fake-outs: "Bah-humbug." Wow (you think) this lady is a real Scrooge. "But that's too strong." Wait up, hold on just a minute. "Because it is my favorite holiday." Aw, hey, this lady is aaaaallllll right. Please, do go on...
Also, please note the pun in the title. Please.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- There's no denying that this song is annoying. Brutal singing, slapdash lyrics, the most brutal horn solo in history, boingy-boingy percussion, and an awful repeated chorus. And good gracious, sleigh bells...
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
7 (out of 10) -- ...buuuut, I kind of dig it. Maybe its the feeble-minded romantic in me. I mean, gee whiz gang, they finally met up! You know, the lady! And the guy! They did it on accident! Isn't that a thing or what!
Still, I don't blame you if you hate it. It probably means you're better than me.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, demerits for mostly being about everything but Christmas (why are we talking about sunburns at Christmas, the Waitresses?), but many Christmas tropes are covered. Including fact that this one lady and this one guy seem to make Thanksgiving dinner for Christmas. Independently.
Total Score: 5.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: A remote control car that goes through 4 "D" batteries in about 10 minutes.
Lastly, who picked that band name? Because...well, I suppose because it blows.