The Pogues -- "Fairytale of New York"
"I could've been someone." "Well so could anyone." Oof, oucherz.
And that's 25 songs! Merry Chistmas, everybody!
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
10 (out of 10) -- I'll punch your mouth.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- May be my favorite of all time.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
10 (out of 10) -- Who hasn't spent Christmas Eve in the drunk tank? It is a song that is relevant to us all!
Total Score: 10
Christmas Present Equivalent: G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier
Merry Christmas, your arse.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Day 19 -- Various, Gettin' to 24
Ok, so we gotta to 25 by tomorrow, so here's four awesome songs:
Detroit Junior -- "Christmas Day"
The Moonglows -- "Hey, Santa Claus"
Butterbeans and Susie -- "Papa Ain't No Santa Claus (and Mama Ain't No Christmastree)"
The Harmony Grits -- "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
Detroit Junior -- "Christmas Day"
The Moonglows -- "Hey, Santa Claus"
Butterbeans and Susie -- "Papa Ain't No Santa Claus (and Mama Ain't No Christmastree)"
The Harmony Grits -- "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Day 18 -- James Brown, "Soulful Christmas"
James Brown -- "Soulful Christmas'
James Brown informs us all that people like us don't grow on trees. Also, he thanks us for buying his records and coming to see his show. Also, sometimes it sounds like he is talking to his lady, but it is never quite sure when he switches. But, he loves you!
Also, he gets this feeling, every now and then, he's gotta ring the New Year in. Every now and then? You mean, like, at New Year's, James?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
10 (out of 10) -- Like James Brown could be annoying.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- It's like a sweet melody.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Haha -- once again, not really!
Total Score: 8
Christmas Present Equivalent: Led Zeppelin boxed set.
Remember -- James Brown loves you, you lucky so-and-so.
James Brown informs us all that people like us don't grow on trees. Also, he thanks us for buying his records and coming to see his show. Also, sometimes it sounds like he is talking to his lady, but it is never quite sure when he switches. But, he loves you!
Also, he gets this feeling, every now and then, he's gotta ring the New Year in. Every now and then? You mean, like, at New Year's, James?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
10 (out of 10) -- Like James Brown could be annoying.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- It's like a sweet melody.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Haha -- once again, not really!
Total Score: 8
Christmas Present Equivalent: Led Zeppelin boxed set.
Remember -- James Brown loves you, you lucky so-and-so.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Day 17 -- Various, "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
Dean Martin and Doris Day -- "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong -- "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
Marah -- "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
Ok guys, it's the big week, so we're posting Christmas songs I really do like! Here's three awesome versions of one of my absolute favorites -- "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is an age-old primer for dudes in trying to get a lady to make messies with you. And for ladies, it's a primer in how to make it seem like you don't want to make messies, but really do.
Next time, don't bring up your maiden aunt, though, ok? There's a reason she's still single, and she kinda kills the mood. Now put some records on while I pour.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
10 (out of 10) -- Ain't one thing annoying about any of these.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- I just wish I was allowed to listen to it all year long.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
5 (out of 10) -- Unfortunately, it has NOTHING to do with Christmas. Dammit.
Total Score: 8.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Optimus Prime
Say, what's in this drink??
Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong -- "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
Marah -- "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
Ok guys, it's the big week, so we're posting Christmas songs I really do like! Here's three awesome versions of one of my absolute favorites -- "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is an age-old primer for dudes in trying to get a lady to make messies with you. And for ladies, it's a primer in how to make it seem like you don't want to make messies, but really do.
Next time, don't bring up your maiden aunt, though, ok? There's a reason she's still single, and she kinda kills the mood. Now put some records on while I pour.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
10 (out of 10) -- Ain't one thing annoying about any of these.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- I just wish I was allowed to listen to it all year long.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
5 (out of 10) -- Unfortunately, it has NOTHING to do with Christmas. Dammit.
Total Score: 8.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Optimus Prime
Say, what's in this drink??
Friday, December 19, 2008
Day 16 -- Big John Greer, "We Wanna See Santa Do The Mambo"
Big John Greer -- "We Wanna See Santa Do The Mambo"
Apparently, this guy wants to see Santa do the mambo. Um, a lot.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
4 (out of 10) -- Uh, it's pretty darn annoying...
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- ... but it kind of rules.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
2 (out of 10) -- It's really more about mambo, isn't it?
Total Score: 4
Christmas Present Equivalent: Smurf Colorforms set
Mambo, Santa Claus!
Apparently, this guy wants to see Santa do the mambo. Um, a lot.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
4 (out of 10) -- Uh, it's pretty darn annoying...
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- ... but it kind of rules.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
2 (out of 10) -- It's really more about mambo, isn't it?
Total Score: 4
Christmas Present Equivalent: Smurf Colorforms set
Mambo, Santa Claus!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Day 15 -- Claudine Longet, "I Don't Intend to Spend Christmas Without You"
Claudine Longet -- "I Don't Intend to Spend Christmas Without You"
As the Christmas songs about jilted lovers on the brink of insanity go, this is one of them! Seemingly, Longet's boyfriend went away and isn't coming back, but said ex-boyfriend's opinion on the matter appears inconsequential. So what if they had a fight (what of it?) and he wasn't even right (WHAT OF IT?)! (I bet the fellas know what she's talkin' bout -- am I right fellas hey-OH!) Here I am, proclaims Claudine, and I ain't even leaving till you call the cops. Also, merry Christmas?
Also, one time Claudine Longet shot and killed her boyfriend, so, um, I guess she means this stuff guys.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
6 (out of 10) -- The song rocks the swinging 60s vibe, but the la-la-la-la background stuff is pretty lame. Still, not so much so that I'm going to dock it more than a few points.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
7 (out of 10) -- As I said, I dig it.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
5 (out of 10) -- "Now I'm alone, and Christmas is coming too" makes the Christmas bit seem a little like an after-thought. Still, Christmas is in the title, so it's a push.
Total Score: 6
Christmas Present Equivalent: A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (but not Michelangelo).
As the Christmas songs about jilted lovers on the brink of insanity go, this is one of them! Seemingly, Longet's boyfriend went away and isn't coming back, but said ex-boyfriend's opinion on the matter appears inconsequential. So what if they had a fight (what of it?) and he wasn't even right (WHAT OF IT?)! (I bet the fellas know what she's talkin' bout -- am I right fellas hey-OH!) Here I am, proclaims Claudine, and I ain't even leaving till you call the cops. Also, merry Christmas?
Also, one time Claudine Longet shot and killed her boyfriend, so, um, I guess she means this stuff guys.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
6 (out of 10) -- The song rocks the swinging 60s vibe, but the la-la-la-la background stuff is pretty lame. Still, not so much so that I'm going to dock it more than a few points.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
7 (out of 10) -- As I said, I dig it.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
5 (out of 10) -- "Now I'm alone, and Christmas is coming too" makes the Christmas bit seem a little like an after-thought. Still, Christmas is in the title, so it's a push.
Total Score: 6
Christmas Present Equivalent: A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (but not Michelangelo).
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Day 14 -- Augie Rios, "Donde Esta Santa Claus?"
Augie Rios -- "Donde Esta Santa Claus?"
Special Super B-Side Bonus: Augie Rios -- "Old Fatso"
A little Hispanic boy, who may or may not be blind (not clear), pleads with his mother to produce Santa, or at least let him know when they should be expecting him. Why? He only answers cryptically, "Eet's Chreestmus Eeeeve." Also, in another song, he doesn't believe in him until he does and some lame dudes sing-talk about the story of the song like we aren't listening to it.
Going back to Donde Esta, apparently, the unfortunately bilingual boy has somehow been gravely misinformed as to the name and ethnicity of Santa's reindeer (they're German, Augie). Plus, something about castanets and ole and blah blah blah.
The opening of this song, however, reminds me of an early episode of Charles in Charge where we learn that you can cha-cha to any song by going, "1-2-cha-cha-cha" (which was matched with the killer line, "One-two-I-need-you-three-four-cha-cha-Charles!" Classic).
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
5 (out of 10) -- This song is annoying, sure, but it is fun to go to your Mom on Christmas and keep saying, "Mamasita, donde esta Santa Claus?" until she goes "Stephen, you are seriously too old this nonsense" and then you say "I hope he don't forget to bring his castanets!" And you wouldn't be able to do that without it, so it's a push.
Also, telling Ol Fatso to get his reindeer off your roof is a pretty sweet thing.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
5 (out of 10) -- See above.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
4 (out of 10) -- I'm pretty sure they don't have Christmas in Cuba or Spain or Mexico or whatever so points off for accuracy.
Total Score: 5.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: A Kid-Spy Kit with Disguise and Binoculars
Ok Mama, I go sleep now.
Special Super B-Side Bonus: Augie Rios -- "Old Fatso"
A little Hispanic boy, who may or may not be blind (not clear), pleads with his mother to produce Santa, or at least let him know when they should be expecting him. Why? He only answers cryptically, "Eet's Chreestmus Eeeeve." Also, in another song, he doesn't believe in him until he does and some lame dudes sing-talk about the story of the song like we aren't listening to it.
Going back to Donde Esta, apparently, the unfortunately bilingual boy has somehow been gravely misinformed as to the name and ethnicity of Santa's reindeer (they're German, Augie). Plus, something about castanets and ole and blah blah blah.
The opening of this song, however, reminds me of an early episode of Charles in Charge where we learn that you can cha-cha to any song by going, "1-2-cha-cha-cha" (which was matched with the killer line, "One-two-I-need-you-three-four-cha-cha-Charles!" Classic).
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
5 (out of 10) -- This song is annoying, sure, but it is fun to go to your Mom on Christmas and keep saying, "Mamasita, donde esta Santa Claus?" until she goes "Stephen, you are seriously too old this nonsense" and then you say "I hope he don't forget to bring his castanets!" And you wouldn't be able to do that without it, so it's a push.
Also, telling Ol Fatso to get his reindeer off your roof is a pretty sweet thing.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
5 (out of 10) -- See above.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
4 (out of 10) -- I'm pretty sure they don't have Christmas in Cuba or Spain or Mexico or whatever so points off for accuracy.
Total Score: 5.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: A Kid-Spy Kit with Disguise and Binoculars
Ok Mama, I go sleep now.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Day 13 -- Four Seasons, "Jungle Bells"
Four Seasons -- "Jungle Bells"
This song begins with the easily contradicted premise that "Christmas presents come to everybody, everywhere." And that's probably the intellectual high-point.
You see, instead of behaving like would normally be expected and singing an acapella version of Rudolph or something (oh just imagine that it were!), the Four Seasons decided, against everyone's better judgment, to go ahead and make up a Animal Santa Claus. Sigh. Animal Santa Claus, I guess, employs an elephant sleigh (whatever that means) and gives superficially relevant presents to "jungle" animals. I mean, an ice cream mountain for the polar bear? Do polar bears like ice cream? Says who? (And just let's ignore the fact that polar bears don't live in jungles, ok?) Also, for some reason, a camel hair coat for the camel. Sigh.
But mostly this song exists for the Four Seasons to make lame monkey and bird noises and just be generally annoying. Pogo stick for the kangaroo?? You guys are too much.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- Ding-o dong-o day? Stop that, Four Seasons. It is not cute.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
3 (out of 10) -- I dunno, maybe kids would like this. Like foreign kids with really low standards who are also deaf.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
4 (out of 10) -- Animal Santa Claus is just not a thing, but presents are, so 4.
Total Score: 3.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: An 8 pack of crayons.
This song begins with the easily contradicted premise that "Christmas presents come to everybody, everywhere." And that's probably the intellectual high-point.
You see, instead of behaving like would normally be expected and singing an acapella version of Rudolph or something (oh just imagine that it were!), the Four Seasons decided, against everyone's better judgment, to go ahead and make up a Animal Santa Claus. Sigh. Animal Santa Claus, I guess, employs an elephant sleigh (whatever that means) and gives superficially relevant presents to "jungle" animals. I mean, an ice cream mountain for the polar bear? Do polar bears like ice cream? Says who? (And just let's ignore the fact that polar bears don't live in jungles, ok?) Also, for some reason, a camel hair coat for the camel. Sigh.
But mostly this song exists for the Four Seasons to make lame monkey and bird noises and just be generally annoying. Pogo stick for the kangaroo?? You guys are too much.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- Ding-o dong-o day? Stop that, Four Seasons. It is not cute.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
3 (out of 10) -- I dunno, maybe kids would like this. Like foreign kids with really low standards who are also deaf.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
4 (out of 10) -- Animal Santa Claus is just not a thing, but presents are, so 4.
Total Score: 3.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: An 8 pack of crayons.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Day 12 -- The Cocteau Twins, "Frosty the Snowman"
The Cocteau Twins -- "Frosty the Snowman"
I don't know what the lady twin from Cocteau Twins' voice actually sounds like, but, man, when she's singing, it's like the part of the movie where the kids just taught the alien/unfrozen caveman/Sasquatch to speak and then the lady at the store asked him a question and he's all "blurgh tOOOF-paste?" and so then they have to hurry him out of the store before they get caught. I mean, what in the blue blazes is a "traffic cAWWp"?
Otherwise, a pretty darn good version of this one song about a snowman who comes alive and lives for today and carpe diam and crap like that. Also, apparently, living for today is going to town and playing tag and then basically being burned to death by an unforgiving sun. Merry Christmas?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
9 (out of 10) -- This version pretty much rules. It just lacks Jimmy Durante and a mincing magician with a weird hat obsession to be a per- ... on second thought, it's perfect as is.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- Oh big time.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, I'd posit that Frosty the Snowman actually has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas, but who is Steve Carey to fight against the tides? I suppose it'd be weird to break this puppy out in February. So fine, Christmas is implied (Maybe the whole resurrection thing covers it? We're still waiting on you, Frosty!).
Total Score: 8.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Nerf Bow and Arrow.
FrAHstee thaSnOHmAHHN
I don't know what the lady twin from Cocteau Twins' voice actually sounds like, but, man, when she's singing, it's like the part of the movie where the kids just taught the alien/unfrozen caveman/Sasquatch to speak and then the lady at the store asked him a question and he's all "blurgh tOOOF-paste?" and so then they have to hurry him out of the store before they get caught. I mean, what in the blue blazes is a "traffic cAWWp"?
Otherwise, a pretty darn good version of this one song about a snowman who comes alive and lives for today and carpe diam and crap like that. Also, apparently, living for today is going to town and playing tag and then basically being burned to death by an unforgiving sun. Merry Christmas?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
9 (out of 10) -- This version pretty much rules. It just lacks Jimmy Durante and a mincing magician with a weird hat obsession to be a per- ... on second thought, it's perfect as is.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- Oh big time.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, I'd posit that Frosty the Snowman actually has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas, but who is Steve Carey to fight against the tides? I suppose it'd be weird to break this puppy out in February. So fine, Christmas is implied (Maybe the whole resurrection thing covers it? We're still waiting on you, Frosty!).
Total Score: 8.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Nerf Bow and Arrow.
FrAHstee thaSnOHmAHHN
Friday, December 12, 2008
Day 11 -- Christmas in the Stars, "What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb)"
Christmas in the Stars -- "What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb)"
I can't, guys. I - I just can't.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
0 (out of 10) -- Are you kidding me?
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
1 (out of 10) -- Once a year, I listen to this thing, because it really seems like a thing that I must have imagined. But there it is, in all its awful awful awful awful.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
0 (out of 10) -- Barf.
Total Score: 0.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Poverty.
And that's Christmas in Space, everybody! See you Monday!
I can't, guys. I - I just can't.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
0 (out of 10) -- Are you kidding me?
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
1 (out of 10) -- Once a year, I listen to this thing, because it really seems like a thing that I must have imagined. But there it is, in all its awful awful awful awful.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
0 (out of 10) -- Barf.
Total Score: 0.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Poverty.
And that's Christmas in Space, everybody! See you Monday!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Day 10 -- Sunny Cole, "Santa to the Moon"
Sunny Cole -- "Santa to the Moon"
Man, what is with country singers and the need to put Santa in outer space? There is just no reason why any of these three things should ever be together at all. So, apparently, this song begins with the assumption that there are kids on the moon for some reason, and then elaborates upon how this creates a particular problem for the dude who has to cover ALL OF EARTH already.
Also, what is with this dude's voice getting all weird whenever he gets close to mentioning Rudolph? I think the dude's got beef with our red-nosed chum that could use further explanation. Oh well, because I have no idea who the hell Sunny Cole is, I doubt that explanation will soon be forthcoming.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
5 (out of 10) -- No major issues here, but the crazy voice stuff really brings me out of the song. C'mon Sunny, I want to be there, with Santa, on his rocket ship, going to the, uh, moon. Oh nevermind.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- At an economical minute and a half, it's hard for this song to really overstay its welcome.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, we do have Santa, Rudolph and Christmas. What we don't have is any context to figure out why the hell people are living on the friggin' moon.
Total Score: 5.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker
With a blast and a zoom!
Man, what is with country singers and the need to put Santa in outer space? There is just no reason why any of these three things should ever be together at all. So, apparently, this song begins with the assumption that there are kids on the moon for some reason, and then elaborates upon how this creates a particular problem for the dude who has to cover ALL OF EARTH already.
Also, what is with this dude's voice getting all weird whenever he gets close to mentioning Rudolph? I think the dude's got beef with our red-nosed chum that could use further explanation. Oh well, because I have no idea who the hell Sunny Cole is, I doubt that explanation will soon be forthcoming.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
5 (out of 10) -- No major issues here, but the crazy voice stuff really brings me out of the song. C'mon Sunny, I want to be there, with Santa, on his rocket ship, going to the, uh, moon. Oh nevermind.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- At an economical minute and a half, it's hard for this song to really overstay its welcome.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, we do have Santa, Rudolph and Christmas. What we don't have is any context to figure out why the hell people are living on the friggin' moon.
Total Score: 5.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker
With a blast and a zoom!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Day 9 -- Troy Hess, "Christmas on the Moon"
Troy Hess -- "Christmas On The Moon"
I have to be honest -- I can't understand 80% of what this kid is saying. Apparently, "all the kids/talkin' 'bout/Christmas on the moon." And some stuff about a dream and Santa and Rudolph, but seriously it's like a 5-year-old Huckleberry Hound is talking to you on a broken telephone, with a bad connection, in a big echo-y bathroom, and he's standing ten feet away from the phone. Also he's wearing a mask and eating a banana.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
6 (out of 10) -- Serious points for (1) just being the kid without some smarmy choir backing him up and (2) having no elves (I think). Plus, the guitar player rules. But, minus points because seriously kid, you are freaking unintelligible.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- I could pretty much listen all day just to hear the kid say "Christmas-on-the mOOOOn." Why wasn't this unintelligible kid a superstar?
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
7 (out of 10) -- No idea! He says Christmas and Santa a lot, I think he mentions Rudolph, and is there something in there about an Uncle Charlie Brown? Let's give Troy "Marble Mouth" Hess the benefit of the doubt on this one, ok?
Total Score: 6.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Some pretty sweet Legos.
Christmas on the mOOOOn!!
I have to be honest -- I can't understand 80% of what this kid is saying. Apparently, "all the kids/talkin' 'bout/Christmas on the moon." And some stuff about a dream and Santa and Rudolph, but seriously it's like a 5-year-old Huckleberry Hound is talking to you on a broken telephone, with a bad connection, in a big echo-y bathroom, and he's standing ten feet away from the phone. Also he's wearing a mask and eating a banana.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
6 (out of 10) -- Serious points for (1) just being the kid without some smarmy choir backing him up and (2) having no elves (I think). Plus, the guitar player rules. But, minus points because seriously kid, you are freaking unintelligible.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- I could pretty much listen all day just to hear the kid say "Christmas-on-the mOOOOn." Why wasn't this unintelligible kid a superstar?
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
7 (out of 10) -- No idea! He says Christmas and Santa a lot, I think he mentions Rudolph, and is there something in there about an Uncle Charlie Brown? Let's give Troy "Marble Mouth" Hess the benefit of the doubt on this one, ok?
Total Score: 6.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Some pretty sweet Legos.
Christmas on the mOOOOn!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Day 8 -- Barry Gordon, "Zoomah the Santa Claus from Mars"
Barry Gordon -- "Zoomah the Santa Claus from Mars"
So, I suppose when a drunk music producer wonders what it would be like to get the weird neighbor kid with the speech impediment to come over and sing a song, this is the song that happens. Zoomah, you see, is the Santa Claus from Mars and blah blah blah are you frigging kidding me?
Question, though: why is the Earth control tower at the beginning communicating so calmly with the Santa Claus from Mars? I'd be freaking out.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
2 (out of 10) -- This song is just weird as hell, but it should be able to coast on its sheer oddness. Unfortunately, it's really hurt by the interlude with far the too wholesome and clean-cut sounding male singers who kick in around the half-way mark. Blech.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, I mean, geez, Mars has a Santa? Tell me more, Barry Gordon.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
5 (out of 10) -- This one really straddles the line. It's about a Santa Claus, but, I mean, seriously, this song is not about a Santa Claus at all.
Total Score: 4.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: One micro machine.
So, I suppose when a drunk music producer wonders what it would be like to get the weird neighbor kid with the speech impediment to come over and sing a song, this is the song that happens. Zoomah, you see, is the Santa Claus from Mars and blah blah blah are you frigging kidding me?
Question, though: why is the Earth control tower at the beginning communicating so calmly with the Santa Claus from Mars? I'd be freaking out.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
2 (out of 10) -- This song is just weird as hell, but it should be able to coast on its sheer oddness. Unfortunately, it's really hurt by the interlude with far the too wholesome and clean-cut sounding male singers who kick in around the half-way mark. Blech.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, I mean, geez, Mars has a Santa? Tell me more, Barry Gordon.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
5 (out of 10) -- This one really straddles the line. It's about a Santa Claus, but, I mean, seriously, this song is not about a Santa Claus at all.
Total Score: 4.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: One micro machine.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Day 7 -- Bobby Helms, "Captain Santa Claus"
Bobby Helms -- Captain Santa Claus
Because nothing says "nativity" like space rockets, Martians, and Wookies, it's Space Week here at 25 Songs of Christmas. And I can't think of a better way to kick it off than this atomic age ditty by hit machine Bobby Helms (who is also famous for "Jingle Bell Rock" and also, um, well, "Jingle Bell Rock"). This song was actually the b-side for "Jingle Bell Rock," mostly to ensure that people would never have to turn the record over ever.
It sort of retells the story of Rudolph, but, instead of telling the story of a put-upon reindeer who encounters and defeats racism by being temporarily useful, it tells the story of how Santa's helpers built him a goddamn space ship. Also, for some reason, the ship is operated by his "Reindeer Space Patrol." With startling efficiency, Captain Santa Claus defeats Russia (I think) by not missing a single freedom loving chimney.
Perhaps overestimating the cultural impact of his stupid song about Santa having a goddamn space ship, Helms lets us know that "children dance with glee around the tree each time they're told/the tale of Captain Santa Claus and his reindeer space patrol!" So, I guess they danced around the tree with glee, um, maybe once?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- Good lord in heaven what was Bobby Helms thinking when (1) he imitated the sound of take-off by spitting into a microphone, (2) recorded those high-pitched, underwater-sounding "Oh noes!" and "Hoorays!" that punctuate the song, (3) decided the repeat the entire song only with a bunch of ladies singing, and (4) agreed to record a stupid song about Santa Claus flying around in a goddamn space ship.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
5 (out of 10) -- One can only shout "Hooray for Captain Santa Claus and his Reindeer Space Patrol!" so many times. iTunes tells me I'm at number 8.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
8 (out of 10) -- Plus points for ripping off another cherished holiday song, and talking about Santa, and chimneys, and stockings, and trees; minus points for elves, rocket ships, and other non-Christmas related nonsense. Super bonus points for inventing the idea of a Reindeer Space Patrol, which rules.
Total Score: 5.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: A pogo ball.
Hip hooray!
Because nothing says "nativity" like space rockets, Martians, and Wookies, it's Space Week here at 25 Songs of Christmas. And I can't think of a better way to kick it off than this atomic age ditty by hit machine Bobby Helms (who is also famous for "Jingle Bell Rock" and also, um, well, "Jingle Bell Rock"). This song was actually the b-side for "Jingle Bell Rock," mostly to ensure that people would never have to turn the record over ever.
It sort of retells the story of Rudolph, but, instead of telling the story of a put-upon reindeer who encounters and defeats racism by being temporarily useful, it tells the story of how Santa's helpers built him a goddamn space ship. Also, for some reason, the ship is operated by his "Reindeer Space Patrol." With startling efficiency, Captain Santa Claus defeats Russia (I think) by not missing a single freedom loving chimney.
Perhaps overestimating the cultural impact of his stupid song about Santa having a goddamn space ship, Helms lets us know that "children dance with glee around the tree each time they're told/the tale of Captain Santa Claus and his reindeer space patrol!" So, I guess they danced around the tree with glee, um, maybe once?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- Good lord in heaven what was Bobby Helms thinking when (1) he imitated the sound of take-off by spitting into a microphone, (2) recorded those high-pitched, underwater-sounding "Oh noes!" and "Hoorays!" that punctuate the song, (3) decided the repeat the entire song only with a bunch of ladies singing, and (4) agreed to record a stupid song about Santa Claus flying around in a goddamn space ship.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
5 (out of 10) -- One can only shout "Hooray for Captain Santa Claus and his Reindeer Space Patrol!" so many times. iTunes tells me I'm at number 8.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
8 (out of 10) -- Plus points for ripping off another cherished holiday song, and talking about Santa, and chimneys, and stockings, and trees; minus points for elves, rocket ships, and other non-Christmas related nonsense. Super bonus points for inventing the idea of a Reindeer Space Patrol, which rules.
Total Score: 5.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: A pogo ball.
Hip hooray!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Day 6 -- The Waitresses, "Christmas Wrapping"
The Waitresses -- "Christmas Wrapping"
When rap music was invented (by WWII scientists, by the way. It's true -- look it up), I'm pretty sure this is what they had in mind: a tone-deaf white lady talking about a meet-cute with a dude she met at a ski shop while the two of them purchased last-minute cranberries. Just like how the Wu-Tang Clan first met!
Also, this song starts out with the most totally awesome-radical of fake-outs: "Bah-humbug." Wow (you think) this lady is a real Scrooge. "But that's too strong." Wait up, hold on just a minute. "Because it is my favorite holiday." Aw, hey, this lady is aaaaallllll right. Please, do go on...
Also, please note the pun in the title. Please.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- There's no denying that this song is annoying. Brutal singing, slapdash lyrics, the most brutal horn solo in history, boingy-boingy percussion, and an awful repeated chorus. And good gracious, sleigh bells...
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
7 (out of 10) -- ...buuuut, I kind of dig it. Maybe its the feeble-minded romantic in me. I mean, gee whiz gang, they finally met up! You know, the lady! And the guy! They did it on accident! Isn't that a thing or what!
Still, I don't blame you if you hate it. It probably means you're better than me.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, demerits for mostly being about everything but Christmas (why are we talking about sunburns at Christmas, the Waitresses?), but many Christmas tropes are covered. Including fact that this one lady and this one guy seem to make Thanksgiving dinner for Christmas. Independently.
Total Score: 5.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: A remote control car that goes through 4 "D" batteries in about 10 minutes.
Lastly, who picked that band name? Because...well, I suppose because it blows.
When rap music was invented (by WWII scientists, by the way. It's true -- look it up), I'm pretty sure this is what they had in mind: a tone-deaf white lady talking about a meet-cute with a dude she met at a ski shop while the two of them purchased last-minute cranberries. Just like how the Wu-Tang Clan first met!
Also, this song starts out with the most totally awesome-radical of fake-outs: "Bah-humbug." Wow (you think) this lady is a real Scrooge. "But that's too strong." Wait up, hold on just a minute. "Because it is my favorite holiday." Aw, hey, this lady is aaaaallllll right. Please, do go on...
Also, please note the pun in the title. Please.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- There's no denying that this song is annoying. Brutal singing, slapdash lyrics, the most brutal horn solo in history, boingy-boingy percussion, and an awful repeated chorus. And good gracious, sleigh bells...
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
7 (out of 10) -- ...buuuut, I kind of dig it. Maybe its the feeble-minded romantic in me. I mean, gee whiz gang, they finally met up! You know, the lady! And the guy! They did it on accident! Isn't that a thing or what!
Still, I don't blame you if you hate it. It probably means you're better than me.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, demerits for mostly being about everything but Christmas (why are we talking about sunburns at Christmas, the Waitresses?), but many Christmas tropes are covered. Including fact that this one lady and this one guy seem to make Thanksgiving dinner for Christmas. Independently.
Total Score: 5.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: A remote control car that goes through 4 "D" batteries in about 10 minutes.
Lastly, who picked that band name? Because...well, I suppose because it blows.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Day 5 -- Paul McCartney, "Wonderful Christmastime"
Paul McCartney -- Wonderful Christmastime
Seriously, what the hell was Sir Paul thinking here? There is not one part of this song that is good. There really not much else to say, except that Paul McCartney should get punched in the nuts by the Queen every December 25th. On TV.
You've brought shame upon God and country, Mr. McCartney. You're no better than Ringo now.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
1 (out of 10) -- Good god, from the sleigh bells to the synthesizer to the people going "ding dong ding," this thing is a tsunami of lame. Can Santa take gifts back?
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
1 (out of 10) -- Not that you have a choice. Classic rock radio and shopping mall PA systems will make so that you HAVE to listen to this trainwreck at least once a year. Because, you know, Beatles.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, I guess it is about Christmas. You did something right, Pauly boy.
Total Score: 2.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: A corn cob pipe, a button, and two eyes made out of coal.
Play this one when you want the Christmas party to end.
Seriously, what the hell was Sir Paul thinking here? There is not one part of this song that is good. There really not much else to say, except that Paul McCartney should get punched in the nuts by the Queen every December 25th. On TV.
You've brought shame upon God and country, Mr. McCartney. You're no better than Ringo now.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
1 (out of 10) -- Good god, from the sleigh bells to the synthesizer to the people going "ding dong ding," this thing is a tsunami of lame. Can Santa take gifts back?
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
1 (out of 10) -- Not that you have a choice. Classic rock radio and shopping mall PA systems will make so that you HAVE to listen to this trainwreck at least once a year. Because, you know, Beatles.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, I guess it is about Christmas. You did something right, Pauly boy.
Total Score: 2.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: A corn cob pipe, a button, and two eyes made out of coal.
Play this one when you want the Christmas party to end.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Day 4 -- Lynn Anderson, "Mr. Mistletoe"
Lynn Anderson -- Mr. Mistletoe
File this one under a personal favorite Christmas song category: "Failed Attempts to Create a New Beloved Christmas Icon" (he's just "like Santa Claus" in that "we love him because/happiness is all/he's thinking of." Wait a minute. What?). Anderson even adds the seemingly extraneous detail that he's an elf, just to let Mr. Rankin and Mr. Bass know if they're looking to introduce this "Mr. Mistletoe" with a new stop-motion CBS Christmas special, they can save money by using one of the extras from Rudolph. And pass the savings on to you, the viewer.
So I guess this Mr. Mistletoe character runs all over the place spreading mistletoe, apparently "to give us all reason/to steal a kiss from someone that you know." Creepy. I hope Mr. Mistletoe also covers legal fees! Oh and also, he's invisible and giggles. In other words, Mr. Mistletoe is freaking me out.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
2 (out of 10) -- First of all, dude's an elf. That starts the X-Mas-Factor Supercomputer at a cap of 5 on the Annoyingness meter (it's just how it's built). Anderson's chim-chim-cheerie treacly singing style knocks it down 3 more points. She's like an insufferable kindergarten teacher (except, you know, for the insatiable appetite for kissing).
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
3 (out of 10) -- I can't imagine listening to this song and not wanting to grab Mr. Mistletoe by his Spock ears and kick him into next Christmas. But, the steel guitar's pretty good, so 3.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Mistletoe gets us to 5. Santa adds 2 points. One point demerit for elves. Equals 6.
Total Score: 3.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: A computer game that teaches you math.
Oh Mr. Mistletoe, you've done it again!
File this one under a personal favorite Christmas song category: "Failed Attempts to Create a New Beloved Christmas Icon" (he's just "like Santa Claus" in that "we love him because/happiness is all/he's thinking of." Wait a minute. What?). Anderson even adds the seemingly extraneous detail that he's an elf, just to let Mr. Rankin and Mr. Bass know if they're looking to introduce this "Mr. Mistletoe" with a new stop-motion CBS Christmas special, they can save money by using one of the extras from Rudolph. And pass the savings on to you, the viewer.
So I guess this Mr. Mistletoe character runs all over the place spreading mistletoe, apparently "to give us all reason/to steal a kiss from someone that you know." Creepy. I hope Mr. Mistletoe also covers legal fees! Oh and also, he's invisible and giggles. In other words, Mr. Mistletoe is freaking me out.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
2 (out of 10) -- First of all, dude's an elf. That starts the X-Mas-Factor Supercomputer at a cap of 5 on the Annoyingness meter (it's just how it's built). Anderson's chim-chim-cheerie treacly singing style knocks it down 3 more points. She's like an insufferable kindergarten teacher (except, you know, for the insatiable appetite for kissing).
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
3 (out of 10) -- I can't imagine listening to this song and not wanting to grab Mr. Mistletoe by his Spock ears and kick him into next Christmas. But, the steel guitar's pretty good, so 3.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Mistletoe gets us to 5. Santa adds 2 points. One point demerit for elves. Equals 6.
Total Score: 3.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: A computer game that teaches you math.
Oh Mr. Mistletoe, you've done it again!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Day 3 -- Bobby Goldsboro, "Look Around You (It's Christmastime)"
Bobby Goldsboro -- Look Around You (It's Christmastime)
One Mister Bobby Goldsboro is indignant and pissed and also maybe a little crazy, and brother he is going to let you know about it. This song is the musical equivalent of sitting next to your uncle at Christmas dinner as he tells you all of the things Sean Hannity said is wrong with Christmas these days. Only he’s singing it at you. And it rhymes. However, both versions (Bobby Goldsboro and your uncle) have a mean mustache, and that goes a long way in this topsy-turvy.
So Crazy Sidewalk Preacher Goldsboro’s chief complaints appear to be as follows: drinking, plastic trees and drinking while not decorating plastic trees, complying with local parking laws to the detriment of handicapped pencil-salesmen, lack of church attendance among insomniacs, and also drinking (specifically rum, and, more specifically, so much rum that you can’t afford to buy toys for your children).
People, can’t you understand that these things are urgently mildly important?? (Except for the last one. I’m with Bobby there -- that one seems bad).
And all this from a dude who had a minor hit with "Me Japanese Boy, Me Love You."
Look around you, Bobby. Look around you, indeed.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
4 (out of 10) -- Bobby takes a hit here for using the oh-so subtle tinkly-tinkle piano "Silent Night" intro and outro ("HEY! THIS SONG IS ABOUT CHRISTMAS!"). Boo to that noise.
That said, this song kicks out as hard an edge as may be possible for a song that takes such a defiant stance against Santa-drinking, which pushes it to just under the half-way mark.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
5 (out of 10) -- I recognize that my own predilections towards schmaltz rock make me as handicapped as a one-armed beggar selling pencils in telling whether any sensible person would actually want to listen to this song a second time. Let's call it a push at "5."
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
8 (out of 10) -- Santa? Check. Tree? Check. Holly? Check. Silent Night intro? Check. Booze? Check. Parking meter? Erm...
Total Score: 5.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: A Mickey Mouse piggy bank and clock.
Preach on, Brother Bobby -- let's go buy some pencils.
One Mister Bobby Goldsboro is indignant and pissed and also maybe a little crazy, and brother he is going to let you know about it. This song is the musical equivalent of sitting next to your uncle at Christmas dinner as he tells you all of the things Sean Hannity said is wrong with Christmas these days. Only he’s singing it at you. And it rhymes. However, both versions (Bobby Goldsboro and your uncle) have a mean mustache, and that goes a long way in this topsy-turvy.
So Crazy Sidewalk Preacher Goldsboro’s chief complaints appear to be as follows: drinking, plastic trees and drinking while not decorating plastic trees, complying with local parking laws to the detriment of handicapped pencil-salesmen, lack of church attendance among insomniacs, and also drinking (specifically rum, and, more specifically, so much rum that you can’t afford to buy toys for your children).
People, can’t you understand that these things are urgently mildly important?? (Except for the last one. I’m with Bobby there -- that one seems bad).
And all this from a dude who had a minor hit with "Me Japanese Boy, Me Love You."
Look around you, Bobby. Look around you, indeed.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
4 (out of 10) -- Bobby takes a hit here for using the oh-so subtle tinkly-tinkle piano "Silent Night" intro and outro ("HEY! THIS SONG IS ABOUT CHRISTMAS!"). Boo to that noise.
That said, this song kicks out as hard an edge as may be possible for a song that takes such a defiant stance against Santa-drinking, which pushes it to just under the half-way mark.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
5 (out of 10) -- I recognize that my own predilections towards schmaltz rock make me as handicapped as a one-armed beggar selling pencils in telling whether any sensible person would actually want to listen to this song a second time. Let's call it a push at "5."
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
8 (out of 10) -- Santa? Check. Tree? Check. Holly? Check. Silent Night intro? Check. Booze? Check. Parking meter? Erm...
Total Score: 5.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: A Mickey Mouse piggy bank and clock.
Preach on, Brother Bobby -- let's go buy some pencils.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Day 2 -- Clarence Carter, "Back Door Santa"
Clarence Carter -- Back Door Santa
I presume that the name of this song is "Back Door Santa" because "Cuckold Claus" didn't have enough double in its entendre. The main conceit is that this Back Door Santa fellow has filthy filthy sex with other people's wives and girlfriends, apparently around dawn. He then goes into great detail listing the various precautions he takes to not get caught having filthy filthy sex with other people's wives and girlfriends. This crime is arguably mitigated by the fact that the other boys are also "out to play" at the same time, which I guess means that they are off having sex (filthiness assumed) with other people's wives and girlfriends. The upshot is that dawn in Clarence Carter's neighborhood is a little weird.
Back Door Santa, unlike his namesake, does not limit his activities to the 24th of December, but, like his namesake, he does give children hush money while he destroys their parents' marriages (hey-oh!). He also gives special thanks for chimneys. And something about smelling "a mouse" that I am pretty sure I don't want explained to me.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
10 (out of 10) -- This song has no jingle bells, elves, background singers, or background singers going "jingle jingle" while pretending to be elves. I'm not fresh on my catechism, but I'm pretty sure this absolves Clarence Carter from all moral culpability from his various piccadillos. I think. Either way, totally not annoying.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- This is easily the filthiest song to blast regularly from my parent's stereo. Or, at least, the filthiest song to blast regularly from my parent's stereo that I want to know about.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
1 (out of 10) -- Despite frequent mention of Santa, etc., in this song Christmas really just works as an extended metaphor for bonking other dudes' chicks.
Total Score: 7
Christmas Present Equivalent: A subscription to Sports Illustrated and football phone.
Merry Christmas, infidelity!
I presume that the name of this song is "Back Door Santa" because "Cuckold Claus" didn't have enough double in its entendre. The main conceit is that this Back Door Santa fellow has filthy filthy sex with other people's wives and girlfriends, apparently around dawn. He then goes into great detail listing the various precautions he takes to not get caught having filthy filthy sex with other people's wives and girlfriends. This crime is arguably mitigated by the fact that the other boys are also "out to play" at the same time, which I guess means that they are off having sex (filthiness assumed) with other people's wives and girlfriends. The upshot is that dawn in Clarence Carter's neighborhood is a little weird.
Back Door Santa, unlike his namesake, does not limit his activities to the 24th of December, but, like his namesake, he does give children hush money while he destroys their parents' marriages (hey-oh!). He also gives special thanks for chimneys. And something about smelling "a mouse" that I am pretty sure I don't want explained to me.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
10 (out of 10) -- This song has no jingle bells, elves, background singers, or background singers going "jingle jingle" while pretending to be elves. I'm not fresh on my catechism, but I'm pretty sure this absolves Clarence Carter from all moral culpability from his various piccadillos. I think. Either way, totally not annoying.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- This is easily the filthiest song to blast regularly from my parent's stereo. Or, at least, the filthiest song to blast regularly from my parent's stereo that I want to know about.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
1 (out of 10) -- Despite frequent mention of Santa, etc., in this song Christmas really just works as an extended metaphor for bonking other dudes' chicks.
Total Score: 7
Christmas Present Equivalent: A subscription to Sports Illustrated and football phone.
Merry Christmas, infidelity!
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