Four Seasons -- "Jungle Bells"
This song begins with the easily contradicted premise that "Christmas presents come to everybody, everywhere." And that's probably the intellectual high-point.
You see, instead of behaving like would normally be expected and singing an acapella version of Rudolph or something (oh just imagine that it were!), the Four Seasons decided, against everyone's better judgment, to go ahead and make up a Animal Santa Claus. Sigh. Animal Santa Claus, I guess, employs an elephant sleigh (whatever that means) and gives superficially relevant presents to "jungle" animals. I mean, an ice cream mountain for the polar bear? Do polar bears like ice cream? Says who? (And just let's ignore the fact that polar bears don't live in jungles, ok?) Also, for some reason, a camel hair coat for the camel. Sigh.
But mostly this song exists for the Four Seasons to make lame monkey and bird noises and just be generally annoying. Pogo stick for the kangaroo?? You guys are too much.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- Ding-o dong-o day? Stop that, Four Seasons. It is not cute.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
3 (out of 10) -- I dunno, maybe kids would like this. Like foreign kids with really low standards who are also deaf.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
4 (out of 10) -- Animal Santa Claus is just not a thing, but presents are, so 4.
Total Score: 3.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: An 8 pack of crayons.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Day 12 -- The Cocteau Twins, "Frosty the Snowman"
The Cocteau Twins -- "Frosty the Snowman"
I don't know what the lady twin from Cocteau Twins' voice actually sounds like, but, man, when she's singing, it's like the part of the movie where the kids just taught the alien/unfrozen caveman/Sasquatch to speak and then the lady at the store asked him a question and he's all "blurgh tOOOF-paste?" and so then they have to hurry him out of the store before they get caught. I mean, what in the blue blazes is a "traffic cAWWp"?
Otherwise, a pretty darn good version of this one song about a snowman who comes alive and lives for today and carpe diam and crap like that. Also, apparently, living for today is going to town and playing tag and then basically being burned to death by an unforgiving sun. Merry Christmas?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
9 (out of 10) -- This version pretty much rules. It just lacks Jimmy Durante and a mincing magician with a weird hat obsession to be a per- ... on second thought, it's perfect as is.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- Oh big time.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, I'd posit that Frosty the Snowman actually has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas, but who is Steve Carey to fight against the tides? I suppose it'd be weird to break this puppy out in February. So fine, Christmas is implied (Maybe the whole resurrection thing covers it? We're still waiting on you, Frosty!).
Total Score: 8.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Nerf Bow and Arrow.
FrAHstee thaSnOHmAHHN
I don't know what the lady twin from Cocteau Twins' voice actually sounds like, but, man, when she's singing, it's like the part of the movie where the kids just taught the alien/unfrozen caveman/Sasquatch to speak and then the lady at the store asked him a question and he's all "blurgh tOOOF-paste?" and so then they have to hurry him out of the store before they get caught. I mean, what in the blue blazes is a "traffic cAWWp"?
Otherwise, a pretty darn good version of this one song about a snowman who comes alive and lives for today and carpe diam and crap like that. Also, apparently, living for today is going to town and playing tag and then basically being burned to death by an unforgiving sun. Merry Christmas?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
9 (out of 10) -- This version pretty much rules. It just lacks Jimmy Durante and a mincing magician with a weird hat obsession to be a per- ... on second thought, it's perfect as is.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
10 (out of 10) -- Oh big time.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, I'd posit that Frosty the Snowman actually has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas, but who is Steve Carey to fight against the tides? I suppose it'd be weird to break this puppy out in February. So fine, Christmas is implied (Maybe the whole resurrection thing covers it? We're still waiting on you, Frosty!).
Total Score: 8.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Nerf Bow and Arrow.
FrAHstee thaSnOHmAHHN
Friday, December 12, 2008
Day 11 -- Christmas in the Stars, "What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb)"
Christmas in the Stars -- "What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb)"
I can't, guys. I - I just can't.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
0 (out of 10) -- Are you kidding me?
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
1 (out of 10) -- Once a year, I listen to this thing, because it really seems like a thing that I must have imagined. But there it is, in all its awful awful awful awful.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
0 (out of 10) -- Barf.
Total Score: 0.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Poverty.
And that's Christmas in Space, everybody! See you Monday!
I can't, guys. I - I just can't.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
0 (out of 10) -- Are you kidding me?
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
1 (out of 10) -- Once a year, I listen to this thing, because it really seems like a thing that I must have imagined. But there it is, in all its awful awful awful awful.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
0 (out of 10) -- Barf.
Total Score: 0.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Poverty.
And that's Christmas in Space, everybody! See you Monday!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Day 10 -- Sunny Cole, "Santa to the Moon"
Sunny Cole -- "Santa to the Moon"
Man, what is with country singers and the need to put Santa in outer space? There is just no reason why any of these three things should ever be together at all. So, apparently, this song begins with the assumption that there are kids on the moon for some reason, and then elaborates upon how this creates a particular problem for the dude who has to cover ALL OF EARTH already.
Also, what is with this dude's voice getting all weird whenever he gets close to mentioning Rudolph? I think the dude's got beef with our red-nosed chum that could use further explanation. Oh well, because I have no idea who the hell Sunny Cole is, I doubt that explanation will soon be forthcoming.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
5 (out of 10) -- No major issues here, but the crazy voice stuff really brings me out of the song. C'mon Sunny, I want to be there, with Santa, on his rocket ship, going to the, uh, moon. Oh nevermind.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- At an economical minute and a half, it's hard for this song to really overstay its welcome.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, we do have Santa, Rudolph and Christmas. What we don't have is any context to figure out why the hell people are living on the friggin' moon.
Total Score: 5.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker
With a blast and a zoom!
Man, what is with country singers and the need to put Santa in outer space? There is just no reason why any of these three things should ever be together at all. So, apparently, this song begins with the assumption that there are kids on the moon for some reason, and then elaborates upon how this creates a particular problem for the dude who has to cover ALL OF EARTH already.
Also, what is with this dude's voice getting all weird whenever he gets close to mentioning Rudolph? I think the dude's got beef with our red-nosed chum that could use further explanation. Oh well, because I have no idea who the hell Sunny Cole is, I doubt that explanation will soon be forthcoming.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
5 (out of 10) -- No major issues here, but the crazy voice stuff really brings me out of the song. C'mon Sunny, I want to be there, with Santa, on his rocket ship, going to the, uh, moon. Oh nevermind.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- At an economical minute and a half, it's hard for this song to really overstay its welcome.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, we do have Santa, Rudolph and Christmas. What we don't have is any context to figure out why the hell people are living on the friggin' moon.
Total Score: 5.667
Christmas Present Equivalent: Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker
With a blast and a zoom!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Day 9 -- Troy Hess, "Christmas on the Moon"
Troy Hess -- "Christmas On The Moon"
I have to be honest -- I can't understand 80% of what this kid is saying. Apparently, "all the kids/talkin' 'bout/Christmas on the moon." And some stuff about a dream and Santa and Rudolph, but seriously it's like a 5-year-old Huckleberry Hound is talking to you on a broken telephone, with a bad connection, in a big echo-y bathroom, and he's standing ten feet away from the phone. Also he's wearing a mask and eating a banana.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
6 (out of 10) -- Serious points for (1) just being the kid without some smarmy choir backing him up and (2) having no elves (I think). Plus, the guitar player rules. But, minus points because seriously kid, you are freaking unintelligible.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- I could pretty much listen all day just to hear the kid say "Christmas-on-the mOOOOn." Why wasn't this unintelligible kid a superstar?
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
7 (out of 10) -- No idea! He says Christmas and Santa a lot, I think he mentions Rudolph, and is there something in there about an Uncle Charlie Brown? Let's give Troy "Marble Mouth" Hess the benefit of the doubt on this one, ok?
Total Score: 6.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Some pretty sweet Legos.
Christmas on the mOOOOn!!
I have to be honest -- I can't understand 80% of what this kid is saying. Apparently, "all the kids/talkin' 'bout/Christmas on the moon." And some stuff about a dream and Santa and Rudolph, but seriously it's like a 5-year-old Huckleberry Hound is talking to you on a broken telephone, with a bad connection, in a big echo-y bathroom, and he's standing ten feet away from the phone. Also he's wearing a mask and eating a banana.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
6 (out of 10) -- Serious points for (1) just being the kid without some smarmy choir backing him up and (2) having no elves (I think). Plus, the guitar player rules. But, minus points because seriously kid, you are freaking unintelligible.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- I could pretty much listen all day just to hear the kid say "Christmas-on-the mOOOOn." Why wasn't this unintelligible kid a superstar?
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
7 (out of 10) -- No idea! He says Christmas and Santa a lot, I think he mentions Rudolph, and is there something in there about an Uncle Charlie Brown? Let's give Troy "Marble Mouth" Hess the benefit of the doubt on this one, ok?
Total Score: 6.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: Some pretty sweet Legos.
Christmas on the mOOOOn!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Day 8 -- Barry Gordon, "Zoomah the Santa Claus from Mars"
Barry Gordon -- "Zoomah the Santa Claus from Mars"
So, I suppose when a drunk music producer wonders what it would be like to get the weird neighbor kid with the speech impediment to come over and sing a song, this is the song that happens. Zoomah, you see, is the Santa Claus from Mars and blah blah blah are you frigging kidding me?
Question, though: why is the Earth control tower at the beginning communicating so calmly with the Santa Claus from Mars? I'd be freaking out.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
2 (out of 10) -- This song is just weird as hell, but it should be able to coast on its sheer oddness. Unfortunately, it's really hurt by the interlude with far the too wholesome and clean-cut sounding male singers who kick in around the half-way mark. Blech.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, I mean, geez, Mars has a Santa? Tell me more, Barry Gordon.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
5 (out of 10) -- This one really straddles the line. It's about a Santa Claus, but, I mean, seriously, this song is not about a Santa Claus at all.
Total Score: 4.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: One micro machine.
So, I suppose when a drunk music producer wonders what it would be like to get the weird neighbor kid with the speech impediment to come over and sing a song, this is the song that happens. Zoomah, you see, is the Santa Claus from Mars and blah blah blah are you frigging kidding me?
Question, though: why is the Earth control tower at the beginning communicating so calmly with the Santa Claus from Mars? I'd be freaking out.
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
2 (out of 10) -- This song is just weird as hell, but it should be able to coast on its sheer oddness. Unfortunately, it's really hurt by the interlude with far the too wholesome and clean-cut sounding male singers who kick in around the half-way mark. Blech.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
6 (out of 10) -- Well, I mean, geez, Mars has a Santa? Tell me more, Barry Gordon.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
5 (out of 10) -- This one really straddles the line. It's about a Santa Claus, but, I mean, seriously, this song is not about a Santa Claus at all.
Total Score: 4.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: One micro machine.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Day 7 -- Bobby Helms, "Captain Santa Claus"
Bobby Helms -- Captain Santa Claus
Because nothing says "nativity" like space rockets, Martians, and Wookies, it's Space Week here at 25 Songs of Christmas. And I can't think of a better way to kick it off than this atomic age ditty by hit machine Bobby Helms (who is also famous for "Jingle Bell Rock" and also, um, well, "Jingle Bell Rock"). This song was actually the b-side for "Jingle Bell Rock," mostly to ensure that people would never have to turn the record over ever.
It sort of retells the story of Rudolph, but, instead of telling the story of a put-upon reindeer who encounters and defeats racism by being temporarily useful, it tells the story of how Santa's helpers built him a goddamn space ship. Also, for some reason, the ship is operated by his "Reindeer Space Patrol." With startling efficiency, Captain Santa Claus defeats Russia (I think) by not missing a single freedom loving chimney.
Perhaps overestimating the cultural impact of his stupid song about Santa having a goddamn space ship, Helms lets us know that "children dance with glee around the tree each time they're told/the tale of Captain Santa Claus and his reindeer space patrol!" So, I guess they danced around the tree with glee, um, maybe once?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- Good lord in heaven what was Bobby Helms thinking when (1) he imitated the sound of take-off by spitting into a microphone, (2) recorded those high-pitched, underwater-sounding "Oh noes!" and "Hoorays!" that punctuate the song, (3) decided the repeat the entire song only with a bunch of ladies singing, and (4) agreed to record a stupid song about Santa Claus flying around in a goddamn space ship.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
5 (out of 10) -- One can only shout "Hooray for Captain Santa Claus and his Reindeer Space Patrol!" so many times. iTunes tells me I'm at number 8.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
8 (out of 10) -- Plus points for ripping off another cherished holiday song, and talking about Santa, and chimneys, and stockings, and trees; minus points for elves, rocket ships, and other non-Christmas related nonsense. Super bonus points for inventing the idea of a Reindeer Space Patrol, which rules.
Total Score: 5.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: A pogo ball.
Hip hooray!
Because nothing says "nativity" like space rockets, Martians, and Wookies, it's Space Week here at 25 Songs of Christmas. And I can't think of a better way to kick it off than this atomic age ditty by hit machine Bobby Helms (who is also famous for "Jingle Bell Rock" and also, um, well, "Jingle Bell Rock"). This song was actually the b-side for "Jingle Bell Rock," mostly to ensure that people would never have to turn the record over ever.
It sort of retells the story of Rudolph, but, instead of telling the story of a put-upon reindeer who encounters and defeats racism by being temporarily useful, it tells the story of how Santa's helpers built him a goddamn space ship. Also, for some reason, the ship is operated by his "Reindeer Space Patrol." With startling efficiency, Captain Santa Claus defeats Russia (I think) by not missing a single freedom loving chimney.
Perhaps overestimating the cultural impact of his stupid song about Santa having a goddamn space ship, Helms lets us know that "children dance with glee around the tree each time they're told/the tale of Captain Santa Claus and his reindeer space patrol!" So, I guess they danced around the tree with glee, um, maybe once?
Steve's X-Mas-Factor Rating-O-Matic
Jingle-Jangle Annoyingness Factor (scientific measurement of things like the use of kazoos, animal sounds, or Karen Carpenter, and/or time spent discussing elves)
3 (out of 10) -- Good lord in heaven what was Bobby Helms thinking when (1) he imitated the sound of take-off by spitting into a microphone, (2) recorded those high-pitched, underwater-sounding "Oh noes!" and "Hoorays!" that punctuate the song, (3) decided the repeat the entire song only with a bunch of ladies singing, and (4) agreed to record a stupid song about Santa Claus flying around in a goddamn space ship.
Where's That Gift Receipt? Factor (rates whether one would actually listen to this song again)
5 (out of 10) -- One can only shout "Hooray for Captain Santa Claus and his Reindeer Space Patrol!" so many times. iTunes tells me I'm at number 8.
That's the Spirit Factor (rates how much the song actually has to do with Christmas)
8 (out of 10) -- Plus points for ripping off another cherished holiday song, and talking about Santa, and chimneys, and stockings, and trees; minus points for elves, rocket ships, and other non-Christmas related nonsense. Super bonus points for inventing the idea of a Reindeer Space Patrol, which rules.
Total Score: 5.333
Christmas Present Equivalent: A pogo ball.
Hip hooray!
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